My
“No Fat Talk” began last year when I desperately prayed for God to change the
way I saw and talked about my body. My body consumed my thoughts and if I
wasn’t feeling good about it, my entire mood was affected.
As I began to unpack why my thought life was so concerned with whether I felt “squishy” or “toned”, “fat” or “skinny” I concluded that my thoughts simply reflected my heart, and in my heart was an identity defined by my physical being.
As I began to unpack why my thought life was so concerned with whether I felt “squishy” or “toned”, “fat” or “skinny” I concluded that my thoughts simply reflected my heart, and in my heart was an identity defined by my physical being.
My
story is not dramatic, but rather one of how problems slowly take root in our
lives through subtle instances and changes, often without us even realizing it.
For
me, my issues began back in high school when I was often told that I had the
“cutest little figure.” This was in thanks to my active involvement in sports.
How
is that a struggle you ask? Because it became the foundation of my identity, so
much so that when I went off to college and gained some weight, I became
fearful of what people would think because, to me, my body was what made me
accepted.
I
started eating healthier and running a lot to stay in shape. Gradually, eating
healthier turned into extreme calorie counting, temptations of not eating and
throwing up to “undo” the damage of moments when I lacked self-control and couldn’t
put the ice cream down.
These
habits led me to a scary 108 pounds in 2008, down from 125 since the start of
college in 2004.
At
first I didn’t like it, but as I tried to gain weight I felt bigger so I went
back to 110. I stayed busy and active and really liked moments when I didn’t
have time to eat because I knew I would feel skinny.
I
also developed a bad habit of comparing my body to other women. Whether it was
in a magazine or someone I knew, I was constantly scrutinizing myself compared
to them. I critically examined my own body in the mirror, telling myself what
needed to be better which perpetuated a very negative self-perspective and
extremely negative self-talk.
My issues
hit their peak last summer, after the loss of our first baby.
Running
crazy with hormones, my body didn’t seem to recognize that I was no longer
pregnant and I felt it tried to hold on to every ounce of fat I consumed.
I threw myself into running and limited what I ate in order to get my body “back”,
and to no longer be reminded that I used to be pregnant.
Just
two weeks after I could exercise again, my knee started hurting and I had to
stop running. I remember coming in after cutting a run short, bawling—sad that
our baby was gone, angry that my body was too, but mostly disgusted that I even
cared how I looked after just losing a child.
Through it all, God got my attention and transformed my heart. He stripped me of everything I used to control my weight so that I could see myself as His “workmanship”.
He
set me free of the chains that bound me as I meditated on 1 Peter 3:3-4 and
Proverbs 31:30 and made my focus about my heart rather than having the perfect
body.
Today,
I’m not as toned as I used to be, I weigh more than before, but I feel
healthier and better than ever.
The
really sad thing about my story is, I have never once in my life been fat. Not
even close. And yet somehow I was
convinced otherwise.
Our
culture creates such pressure for women to look a certain way, to be a certain
size, that they had someone like me “fat talking” herself into dangerous cycles
of negative self-talk and flirtation with eating disorders.
Something
needs to change. And it starts with us, girls! Let’s work to remove the
negative thoughts and strive to have beautiful hearts, which I know from my own
experience is worth far more than the beautiful bodies we all so desperately
long to have.
If you're interested in sharing your "No Fat Talk" story, I would love to hear from you! Please e-mail me (madisonjanemayberry@gmail.com) for more information! - Madison
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